$69 for a Hand-Sculpted-Bobblehead Package from AllBobbleheads.com. Shipping Included ($130 Total Value).

Your home is your fortress, which is why it’s constantly under attack from redcoat soldiers. Build a safe and happy home by following these guidelines:

• A home has to have a roof to keep clouds from seeing your spouse naked. Cobble a roof together using saltine crackers dipped in hard plastic. When the plastic wears off, you’ve got delicious crackers again.

• Windows let in sunlight, which will ruin the dark, moist climate in which children flourish. If you insist on a window, make it a stained-glass depiction of a horse fighting a family to symbolize the fact that no one is safe from horses.

• Put your home in a great location, such as a waterfront, a celebrity graveyard, or a larger, fancier house.

• Stepping on a floor of richly stained wood will make you feel terrible about how opulent your home is. Cover your floor in animal hides instead to feel like you’re still living like an animal.

• Build your house out of wood so that it will biodegrade after you abandon it because of all the dogs.

• A dream home can include all kinds of amenities, from a pit outside where you can store your shoes to an old man who cares for the garbage can to a room just for crying. Let your imagination run wild.